Screamfree Parenting

To-read list: Screamfree Parenting

看gyang的blog里关于Screamfree Parenting的读后感（见下文蓝色斜体字）-- 正是我需要的...原来大人也有需要time out 的时候啊 ：P 打算 try 一下这个focus on oneself 的方法，calm myself down and grow myself up!否则的话，If you are not in control, then you cannot be in charge //惭愧.

ScreamFree: learning to relate with others in a calm, cool, and connected way, taking hold of your own emotional responses no matter how anyone else chooses to behave; learning to focus on yourself and take care of ourselves for the world's benefit.

Parenting is not about kids, it's about parents.

If you are not in control, then you cannot be in charge.

What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what.

How you can do that:

Focus on yourself

Calm yourself down, and

Grow yourself up.

这本书一开始就说Parenting is not about kids, it's about parents，后面的所有内容其实都是围绕这个观点的。你要做一个cool mom or dad, 如果因为小孩的种种举动而动怒，那么你此时就没能保持你的cool, but let your kid pushed your button。 但是真的是碰到这种临近爆发的时刻怎么办呢？ Focus on yourself, focus on your own feeling ,instead of scolding your kids. 这和陈老师讲座时讲到的妈妈/爸爸需要time out是一样的--- 你这种举动太让妈妈/爸爸受不了了，妈妈/爸爸需要自己一人冷静冷静--time out. 父母头脑冷静之后才可以好好处理小孩的事情，否则在那种发怒的时刻说出的都是会让自己后悔的话。

书里面提到了几个有说服力的例子，一个例子是一个单亲妈妈不让teenage女儿和一些未成年朋友在没有成人在的场合下出去过周末，女儿很生气，两人就要吵起来了，妈妈没有对女儿说教，而是把自己关在房间里，给她的牧师打了一个电话，说她很累，不会照顾自己，感觉快到自己崩溃的边缘了，等等，打电话的几分钟里，从头到尾没有提她的女儿，而提的是自己的感觉 - focus on herself, control herself (instead control her daughter)。打完电话，她感觉舒服多了，而碰巧她那个teenage女儿在门外偷偷听到了。这个女儿似乎一下理解了妈妈，第二天早上，母女两人的关系起了本质性的变化，女儿主动向妈妈说本不想惹妈妈生气，但是认为妈妈始终不让她做她想做的事情。接着母女两人好好的谈了一下，故事的结局就是女儿没再要求那个周末和朋友出去，而是和妈妈出去shopping

如果你可以在那种就要对你的小孩scream, yell的场合做到Focus on yourself, Calm yourself down, 那么你其实已经Grow yourself up。如果scream / yell / 动怒, 那么你和你的小孩一样，还没有长大，需要grow up, ：）